Like many other women in the United States world, I am affected by depression. Maybe you wouldn’t have guessed that about me, maybe you would have. It doesn’t change what is true: I have it. And it gets worse in the fall time. And even worse than that in the winter. Mind you, I’m not the woman with black curtains, refusing to leave her house but I’ve felt like her. And it’s scary.
I’m sinking into a rut and I’m trying my damnedest to halt these feelings of vacancy. Have I been making a true, real attempt to make some friends here? A half-assed one, yes. I know I’m capable of making friends but I’m lacking something. I think I’m lacking confidence to put myself out there and be comfortable in the “meeting-new-people” game. When did I get so out of practice with this?
I moved away from my friends no less than 7 months ago and I still don’t really have a tried-and-true friend here in Iowa City. I’m starting to feel discouraged, which downward spirals and ends in a faceplant in Seasonal Depression’s lap. One doubtful question leads into many and just when I think I can’t take it anymore I sit up. I take a step back. And look at the big picture.
I’m not the only one who has moved from a very comfortable place (for me, Cedar Falls) to a new place. I’m sure I’m not the only one who has ever found it hard to meet new people and truly befriend them. But here I sit, in my own company, wondering why I’m not out having a Halloween blast.
I chalk it up to “This isn’t my season.” Excuses…
I know I’m good conversation. I know I’m a good friend. It’s not that I’m “ineligible”, I just can’t seem to find the people!
I have to tell the whole truth in this, though: I’m still mourning the loss of a best friend. No, the former friend wasn’t severed from “Best Friend-dom” by death but by a horrific argument that was akin to death. I won’t divulge gruesome details (let’s just say it was a true bitchfight) and I will admit that I was not at my finest but I lost Maggie about two years ago. Gone. About six years of friendship just erased from the map! We aren’t even Facebook friends.
We met in middle school and just clicked. Our friendship grew throughout high school and by the time college came, we were still inseparable, even though we lived in different states. Then she moved to Cedar Falls and it was bliss again! But, wait, we decided to *gasp* become roommates. And that, I believe, is what threw momma from the train.
I miss her dearly. But I know we can never be friends again. Too much water under the bridge. Too much time has passed. But, still…
How do I move from that to a “Let’s meet new people!” mindset?
I’m stuck, guys. I need some guidance and some reassurance.
Also? I want to reassure you that I’m not a shut-in, that, in general, I am social. I just need a “best friend”. Who isn’t Jay…