Achieving Myself

It’s ironic to me that when I decided I wanted to have a blog, I didn’t really have a purpose or a goal in mind.  I just wanted to write, and to have my own space in which to do that.  I’ve always enjoyed writing; I started keeping a journal when I was 10.  It had dolphins on the front cover, and was smooth as silk.  I loved the way the pen felt beneath my fingers, and entered an entry nearly daily.  I’ve always expressed myself better in print than in speech.  I strive to be an effective communicator no matter the medium, but my words on a screen or on paper are typically my best.

When I opened www.wordpress.com and signed up for my very own blog I was prompted to choose a URL.  I sat in wonderment, asking myself ‘When I want people to seek out this space, what do I want them to read?’  In hindsight, I’m amazed that I even had enough wits about me to make the name of the website so… deep.  I was only 22 when I began this blog, which was a serious boyfriend and one baby boy ago.  At that time I only *really* had myself to be responsible for.  And yet, I knew that this space would be a documentary of events in my life.

It is a rare moment when I am left speechless.  I form opinions, sometimes too quickly, and speak them with little hesitation.  I left this blog dormant for years.  YEARS.  I’m sure I had things to say, but it just didn’t occur to me to say them here.  There was a split second when I thought I would torch this whole space.  I sat, staring at the screen, wondering if I really needed to hang on to these words.  Would I even miss them?  Not a whole lot of my posts are award-winning.  They ramble.  They have no connecting theme.  But they are mine.  My words.  My experiences.  They have compounded into helping me achieve myself.

This blog contains posts about my frustration for daily life, my unsettled feelings and wanting to just get in the car and drive.  It has been a safe space for when I’ve had my feelings hurt.  It was where I came to decompress and grieve the loss of Jay.  Most of all, it has been a haven of snippets of my life, a place I can revisit and track my growth and progress as a person.

www.achievingmyself.wordpress.com <—– There it is!  That’s me!  It’s kind of a lot to type in the address bar, I know.  It’s not witty or cute.  It’s raw.  It’s a real space with some real, deep shit on the screen.  If anything, I have always typed what I felt in that moment.  But everything I have ever posted (with the exception of this, maybe.  I was clearly bored.) has held some form of significance.  All of these words, all of these lessons have led up to who I am now.  They have all helped me achieve something new in myself.

The biggest reason I was going to delete this was because of my earth crumbling around me when Jay went away.  I didn’t think I wanted any reminders of the way we used to be.  I didn’t think I’d be able to stomach rereading old posts.  You know what?  I read them freely.  Because I believe that we all owe it to ourselves to improve our character, and I think the most important way to do that is to self-reflect.  To truly be honest with ourselves.  I think it’s the least we can do to become better people.

I sit in my uncomfortable chair, with time ticking deep into the night.  I sit willingly in front of this screen, feeling the smooth springs in the keys beneath my fingers, because I have something to say.  Not for anyone in particular, really.  I just want myself to know that this journey of documenting the candids of my life has not been fruitless.  It has been laying the foundation for becoming the woman I want to be.  I am achieving myself.  Are you?

Ebb and Flow

Life, as we all eventually learn, ebbs and flows.  Like waves lapping at the banks of a river or the tide rolling along the beach, life ebbs and flows.  The past fourteen days of my life have proven this to me yet again.

You see, I need to be reminded of this at various points in my life.  My experience tells me that the time between reminders grows longer with each one.  Also I’ve noticed that I learn a valuable life lesson each time a good ole reminder rolls around.

As you may know, my job has been super crazy lately.  With new management settling in and patient load increasing, I’ve been one stressed cookie.  I can see the chain of events leading up to my illness clearly: The week before I got sick with the flu I worked 6 days in a row (Sun-Fri), all but one being 10.5-12 hour shifts.  I had the weekend off and BAM! Monday morning I arose at about 2:00 a.m. to go pee (good Lord, nocturia! Am I 80?), and felt funny (I was refusing to be sick!)…  When I woke to get ready for work I knew my body has succumbed.  Damn it!  I was sick.  Tuesday came and I felt worse.  So, a doctor’s trip (and bill) and a $60 pharmacy tab later I was on my way to health.  I didn’t return to work until this Monday.

Before I got sick I was starting to doubt that I really wanted to work at my facility anymore.  It was becoming so stressful (it still IS stressful, but improving) I began to dread going.  I wanted to act like a 5 year old who has been told “No” about something– I envisioined myself latching to the bedposts, holding on for dear life while Jay tried prying me away so I’m not late for work.  I envisioned a tantrum.  Hahaha.  But seriously.  It was bad.  

But returning to work has actually been a good thing.  My last post was basically me whining that I don’t have any friends… Let’s look at the big picture (like a big girl now, Bre!)– I work full time at a demanding job.  I have a serious boyfriend (whom I love dearly).  I also am a homebody, which is a new thing for me.  When I lived in Cedar Falls, I was a social butterfly.  I went out partying pretty regularly with my girlfriends, I went to school, I worked, I travelled often to visit family…  Then I moved here.  And while I love it here, I haven’t found my niche.

I’m rambling.  This is also something I’ve noticed lately.  I have a lot to say, it seems.  🙂

ANYWAYS,

Work.  Ahh, yes, well let’s just say that this week, I have hope.  Our new administrator is a “Git r Dun” philosopher and she’s also worked as a Certified Nurse’s Aide before so she has insight.  THANK YOU GOD!  I like that she’s a team player, not afraid to “get her hands dirty”.  I feel comfortable asking her questions.  I’m still trying to feel her out, and make a good impression on her.  (Because yanno, people sometimes think I’m a bitch.  And I do NOT want my BOSS to think that!  I am sort of a bitch but I try to keep my hobbies at home.  Aren’t I funny?!)

Also this week I am training a new RN.  It exhilirates me to tell my parents that I, an LPN, am training an RN.  That in this one spectrum of my career my title doesn’t really matter.  (I had a patient ask me one time if I was a “real nurse”?  Uh, what?  “Well, are you an RN?”  I told him I wasn’t and he proceeded to tell me I wasn’t a “real nurse”.  Thanks, fucker.  “I’m licensed by the Iowa State Board of Nursing and I had to sit for state boards, just like an RN did.  My license is valid and I’ve had proper training.  Now, do you want your Dilaudid or NOT?”  No joke.  I was infuriated.)  The nurse I’ve been guiding all week is awesome!  She was actually born and raised in Ireland, moved to the US to complete nursing school (Ireland’s waiting list was three years), attended school at Mayo Clinic in Rochester, met her husband, moved to Washington State and ended up in Iowa City.  Also?  She’s been a nurse for my entire life (minus two years).  She’s also a really good nurse and about three times today we were answering each others’ sentences…

In the personal realm, I’ve been lucky as well.  On Tuesday night the stars aligned for myself and my recently-new acquaintance, Jill.  She and I have mutual friends (new parents, Warren and Adriane) and hit it off the first time we met.  We sat in the summer sun, had a beer and a cigarette, yakkin’ it up.  [Theory: When people have a smoke together, it’s sort of a bonding thing.  A subculture, almost of Smokers.]  So, yeah.  I can smell a ho-mance (guys have “bromance” so I made this)!  Truth is, she’s very cool, very cultured and also sarcastic.  Which is a must with me.

In total, this week has loosened that dial that was stuck on “EBB”.  The dial has rotated to “FLOW” cycle and my life is like a dryer full of warm, fluffed, delightfully good-smelling laundry.  

(Except.  I’m having a pretty big personal struggle… More to come on that, but just know it’s about visiting Jazz vs. work.)

*Trying to remain chipper*

I’m on a Personal Improvement Movement, dovetailed with my Friend Crusade (all self-titled, btw).  Wish me luck; but so far, so good!

Have a great weekend everybody!