It’s ironic to me that when I decided I wanted to have a blog, I didn’t really have a purpose or a goal in mind. I just wanted to write, and to have my own space in which to do that. I’ve always enjoyed writing; I started keeping a journal when I was 10. It had dolphins on the front cover, and was smooth as silk. I loved the way the pen felt beneath my fingers, and entered an entry nearly daily. I’ve always expressed myself better in print than in speech. I strive to be an effective communicator no matter the medium, but my words on a screen or on paper are typically my best.
When I opened www.wordpress.com and signed up for my very own blog I was prompted to choose a URL. I sat in wonderment, asking myself ‘When I want people to seek out this space, what do I want them to read?’ In hindsight, I’m amazed that I even had enough wits about me to make the name of the website so… deep. I was only 22 when I began this blog, which was a serious boyfriend and one baby boy ago. At that time I only *really* had myself to be responsible for. And yet, I knew that this space would be a documentary of events in my life.
It is a rare moment when I am left speechless. I form opinions, sometimes too quickly, and speak them with little hesitation. I left this blog dormant for years. YEARS. I’m sure I had things to say, but it just didn’t occur to me to say them here. There was a split second when I thought I would torch this whole space. I sat, staring at the screen, wondering if I really needed to hang on to these words. Would I even miss them? Not a whole lot of my posts are award-winning. They ramble. They have no connecting theme. But they are mine. My words. My experiences. They have compounded into helping me achieve myself.
This blog contains posts about my frustration for daily life, my unsettled feelings and wanting to just get in the car and drive. It has been a safe space for when I’ve had my feelings hurt. It was where I came to decompress and grieve the loss of Jay. Most of all, it has been a haven of snippets of my life, a place I can revisit and track my growth and progress as a person.
www.achievingmyself.wordpress.com <—– There it is! That’s me! It’s kind of a lot to type in the address bar, I know. It’s not witty or cute. It’s raw. It’s a real space with some real, deep shit on the screen. If anything, I have always typed what I felt in that moment. But everything I have ever posted (with the exception of this, maybe. I was clearly bored.) has held some form of significance. All of these words, all of these lessons have led up to who I am now. They have all helped me achieve something new in myself.
The biggest reason I was going to delete this was because of my earth crumbling around me when Jay went away. I didn’t think I wanted any reminders of the way we used to be. I didn’t think I’d be able to stomach rereading old posts. You know what? I read them freely. Because I believe that we all owe it to ourselves to improve our character, and I think the most important way to do that is to self-reflect. To truly be honest with ourselves. I think it’s the least we can do to become better people.
I sit in my uncomfortable chair, with time ticking deep into the night. I sit willingly in front of this screen, feeling the smooth springs in the keys beneath my fingers, because I have something to say. Not for anyone in particular, really. I just want myself to know that this journey of documenting the candids of my life has not been fruitless. It has been laying the foundation for becoming the woman I want to be. I am achieving myself. Are you?