Not totally. I feel like I owe all five of my readers some sort of explanation about where I’ve been. Are you sure you want to know? I could sum it up by saying “to Hell and back” but I think if you live through something then it probably wasn’t Hell. I’ve been turned upside down and tossed out of a moving train. I packed up and moved in two days and returned to my hometown with nothing more to my name than my incarcerated boyfriend’s clothes and my junk, all going into storage. All except anything I needed to survive on, living out of my aunt and uncle’s spare bedroom. 16 weeks pregnant and there I was, scared and humbled, waiting for the next phase.
The phases have avalanched and I am now “Jude’s mom”. I love being Jude’s mom. But more than that, I love the “Bre” being “Jude’s mom” has made me. I feel so much more zen with him in my life (even though I flashback to just today at the grocery store when he was saying “all done” thirty times in a row and trying to jump out of the cart.. I love it, I really do!). I know what matters and what doesn’t. And if I wonder about it, I just have to ask Jude. Of course he’ll tell me Goldfish crackers and Juicy Juice are must-haves but looking through his eyes I know that a hug on a glum day and an “I love you” can heal any wound. With him by my side I am invincible. I have to be. And I love it.
Jay has been gone since January, 2010. Jude was delivered September 10, 2010. I have been humbled, strengthened, empowered and motivated since I found out he was going to be ours. I know that God used Jude to show Jay and me what we had been missing. No, we hadn’t been missing a baby. We had been missing perspective. And I say with confidence that we both have it now.
We are making the best of life that we can. Overpriced phone calls and snail mail provide Jay with bi-weekly updates on what Jude’s up to. It’s not enough — it will never be enough but we do what we can. We don’t know the outcome of the situation but we trust that things happen the way they are supposed to. I, personally, try to ask “what am I supposed to be learning right now?”
They say a mistake is only a mistake if you err twice. I agree. Otherwise it’s all a learning and growth process. (My naysayers disagree but you may guess what my retort is..) I feel like I have attained more wisdom in the past 27 months than most people my age have ever attained.
Mostly, though, I feel peaceful. I’m excited about all of the ten thousand possibilities that lay ahead of me and I’m ready.
Also, I’m glad summer is almost here.