It’s been what feels like ages since I’ve been to this place. My blog, I mean. The biggest reason is that I don’t have a computer readily available to me at this time but I’m not sure that I would be here any more frequently, even if I did have it. I’ve been doing something my mom calls “soul searching”. I’ve been evaluating what’s really important to me, I’ve been sifting reality from bullshit, and filtering drama, all the while holding my head up and placing one foot in front of the other.
Eleven days ago I found out Jay and I are going to be parents. Think what you will, scoff if you like, but Jay and I both are convinced that this baby is from God. We know that it isn’t “the right time” and “this isn’t how we wanted things to be” but you know what? I am so sick and fucking tired of hearing “it shouldn’t have been this way” or “the timing is off”. You can plan your life until you’re blue in the face but I truly believe that God has plans for us all. I could waste my time and energy wallowing in what-ifs and shoulda-coulda-woulda’s but I choose to move forward. I choose to be happy that I’m participating in two of God’s greatest miracles: pregnancy and parenting.
In my heart of hearts I know that Jay and I are strong people and select members of his family and nearly all of mine have expressed such joy and optimism regarding our newest addition. My mom has shown such strength and support that I feel foolish because I kind of forgot she had it in her. She has listened to me cry, laughed with me, encouraged me and quieted me. All at the right times. Jay’s dad makes sure I get a call almost every day, usually containing a message from Jay (that always is something like “Jay says he adores you and that you guys are going to make it through this”). While his dad may have been absent in the past, he is anything but in this situation. He has made sure Jay has money to purchase stationery and deodorant, envelopes and a toothbrush. He had the money to Jay before Jay could say “lawyer”. He has proven that he truly supports Jay, never drawing a judgment or spatting a harsh word from his own personal hurt and sorrow related to this situation.
I have experienced a variety of reactions about this baby and while I acknowledge the concerns, I refuse to listen to pessimism and negativity. Because I am past that. And it’s counter-productive. When I have so little energy these days, why would I waste it on that??
I was deeply offended by Britt’s post. To me, it felt entirely negative, as if I were bearing a dark cloud that will forever rain on us all. I was assertive enough to tell her, too. I understand that we are all free thinkers and that this situation does not affect only me but I do feel that I am most directly affected. Jay is a part of me, literally and figuratively. He is the love of my life and I am his. And now we are three.
Over the course of this month, Jay’s brother has decided he doesn’t want to speak with me, either. I am completely at a loss about this, considering he was our number one cheerleader no less than two weeks ago. I know that we all deal with things differently but it still feels like rubbing alcohol in a fresh cut.
And yet, I am still at peace with things. I know things are tough but I also know that I’m tougher. And once Jay and I are out of this dark tunnel we will live a quiet, honorable life. And those who have shown us love will be right there beside us.
I’m reading a fabulous book that I attribute most of my peace and strength to: A New Earth by Eckhardt Tolle. It’s phenomenal. Life changing. I recommend it to everyone.
And I’ll close with an excerpt:
THE PEACE THAT PASSES ALL UNDERSTANDING
There are many accounts of people who experienced that emerging new dimension of consciousness as a result of tragic loss at some point in their lives. Some lost all of their posessions, others their children or spouse, their social position, reputation, or physical abilities. In some cases, through disaster or war, they lost all of these simultaneously and found themselves with “nothing”. We may call this a limit-situation. Whatever they had identified with, whatever gave them their sense of self, had been taken away. Then suddenly and inexplicably, the anguish or intense fear they initially felt gave way to a sacred sense of Presense, a deep peace and serenity and complete freedom from fear. This phenomenon must have been familiar to St. Paul, who used the expression “the peace of God which passeth all understanding.” It is indeed a peace that doesn’t seem to make sense, and the people who experienced it asked themselves: In the face of this, how can it be that I feel such peace?
The answer is simple, once you realize what the ego is and how it works. When forms that you had identified with, that gave you your sense of self, collapse or are taken away, it can lead to a collapse of the ego, since ego is idenitification with form. When there is nothing to identify with anymore, who are you? When forms around you die or death approaches, your sense of Beingness, of I Am, is freed from its entanglement with form: Spirit is released from its imprisonment in matter. You realize your essential identity as formless, as an all-evasive Presence, of Being prior to all forms, all identifications. You realize your true identity as consciousness itself, rather than what consciousness has identified with. That’s the peace of God. The ulitmate truth of who you are is not I am this or I am that but I Am.
Whenever tragic loss ocurs, you either resist or you yield. Some people become bitter or deeply resentful; others become compassionate, wise and loving. Yielding means inner acceptance of what is. You are open to life. Resistance is an inner contraction, a hardening of the shell of the ego. You are closed. Whatever action you take in a state of inner resistance (which we could also call negativity) will create more outer resistance, and the universe will not be on your side; life will not be helpful. If the shutters are closed, the sunlight cannot come in. When you yield internally, when you surrender, a new dimension of consciousness opens up. If action is possible or necessary, your action will be in alignment with the whole and supported by creative intelligence, and the unconditioned consciousness which in a state of inner openness you become one with. Circumstances and people then become helpful, cooperative. Conincidences happen. If no action is possible, you rest in the peace and inner stillness that come with surrender. You rest in God.
A New Earth pp. 56-58
That passage is what speaks to me and I’m keeping my shutters open, letting every and any ounce of sunshine in. I’m not masking my hurt by doing that, I’m yielding to it.