My Inner Peace

It’s been what feels like ages since I’ve been to this place.  My blog, I mean.  The biggest reason is that I don’t have a computer readily available to me at this time but I’m not sure that I would be here any more frequently, even if I did have it.  I’ve been doing something  my mom calls “soul searching”.  I’ve been evaluating what’s really important to me, I’ve been sifting reality from bullshit, and filtering drama, all the while holding my head up and placing one foot in front of the other. 

Eleven days ago I found out Jay and I are going to be parents.  Think what you will, scoff if you like, but Jay and I both are convinced that this baby is from God.  We know that it isn’t “the right time” and “this isn’t how we wanted things to be” but you know what?  I am so sick and fucking tired of hearing “it shouldn’t have been this way” or “the timing is off”.  You can plan your life until you’re blue in the face but I truly believe that God has plans for us all.  I could waste my time and energy wallowing in what-ifs and shoulda-coulda-woulda’s but I choose to move forward.  I choose to be happy that I’m participating in two of God’s greatest miracles: pregnancy and parenting.

In my heart of hearts I know that Jay and I are strong people and select members of his family and nearly all of mine have expressed such joy and optimism regarding our newest addition.  My mom has shown such strength and support that I feel foolish because I kind of forgot she had it in her.  She has listened to me cry, laughed with  me, encouraged me and quieted me.  All at the right times.  Jay’s dad makes sure I get a call almost every day, usually containing a message from Jay (that always is something like “Jay says he adores you and that you guys are going to make it through this”).  While his dad may have been absent in the past, he is anything but in this situation.  He has made sure Jay has money to purchase stationery and deodorant, envelopes and a toothbrush.  He had the money to Jay before Jay could say “lawyer”.  He has proven that he truly supports Jay, never drawing a judgment or spatting a harsh word from his own personal hurt and sorrow related to this situation.

I have experienced a variety of reactions about this baby and while I acknowledge the concerns, I refuse to listen to pessimism and negativity.  Because I am past that.  And it’s counter-productive.  When I have so little energy these days, why would I waste it on that??

I was deeply offended by Britt’s post.  To me, it felt entirely negative, as if I were bearing a dark cloud that will forever rain on us all.  I was assertive enough to tell her, too.  I understand that we are all free thinkers and that this situation does not affect only me but I do feel that I am most directly affected.  Jay is a part of me, literally and figuratively.  He is the love of my life and I am his.  And now we are three.

Over the course of this month, Jay’s brother has decided he doesn’t want to speak with me, either.  I am completely at a loss about this, considering he was our number one cheerleader no less than two weeks ago.  I know that we all deal with things differently but it still feels like rubbing alcohol in a fresh cut.

And yet, I am still at peace with things.  I know things are tough but I also know that I’m tougher.  And once Jay and I are out of this dark tunnel we will live a quiet, honorable life.  And those who have shown us love will be right there beside us.

I’m reading a fabulous book that I attribute most of my peace and strength to: A New Earth by Eckhardt Tolle.  It’s phenomenal.  Life changing.  I recommend it to everyone.

And I’ll close with an excerpt:

                                                                    THE PEACE THAT PASSES ALL UNDERSTANDING

There are many accounts of people who experienced that emerging new dimension of consciousness as a result of tragic loss at some point in their lives.  Some lost all of their posessions, others their children or spouse, their social position, reputation, or physical abilities.  In some cases, through disaster or war, they lost all of these simultaneously and found themselves with “nothing”.  We may call this a limit-situation.  Whatever they had identified with, whatever gave them their sense of self, had been taken away.  Then suddenly and inexplicably, the anguish or intense fear they initially felt gave way to a sacred sense of Presense, a deep peace and serenity and complete freedom from fear.  This phenomenon must have been familiar to St. Paul, who used the expression “the peace of God which passeth all understanding.”  It is indeed a peace that doesn’t seem to make sense, and the people who experienced it asked themselves: In the face of this, how can it be that I feel such peace?

The answer is simple, once you realize what the ego is and how it works.  When forms that you had identified with, that gave you your sense of self, collapse or are taken away, it can lead to a collapse of the ego, since ego is idenitification with form.  When there is nothing to identify with anymore, who are you?  When forms around you die or death approaches, your sense of Beingness, of I Am, is freed from its entanglement with form: Spirit is released from its imprisonment in matter.  You realize your essential identity as formless, as an all-evasive Presence, of Being prior to all forms, all identifications.  You realize your true identity as consciousness itself, rather than what consciousness has identified with.  That’s the peace of God.  The ulitmate truth of who you are is not I am this or I am that but I Am.

Whenever tragic loss ocurs, you either resist or you yield.  Some people become bitter or deeply resentful; others become compassionate, wise and loving.  Yielding means inner acceptance of what is.  You are open to life.  Resistance is an inner contraction, a hardening of the shell of the ego.  You are closed.  Whatever action you take in a state of inner resistance (which we could also call negativity) will create more outer resistance, and the universe will not be on your side; life will not be helpful.  If the shutters are closed, the sunlight cannot come in.  When you yield internally, when you surrender, a new dimension of consciousness opens up.  If action is possible or necessary, your action will be in alignment with the whole and supported by creative intelligence, and the unconditioned consciousness which in a state of inner openness you become one with.  Circumstances and people then become helpful, cooperative.  Conincidences happen.  If no action is possible, you rest in the peace and inner stillness that come with surrender.  You rest in God.

A New Earth pp. 56-58

That passage is what speaks to me and I’m keeping my shutters open, letting every and any ounce of sunshine in.  I’m not masking my hurt by doing that, I’m yielding to it.

9 thoughts on “My Inner Peace

  1. Avitable says:

    There’s an old adage about someone who was so busy admiring the sunshine and looking at the beauty in the world that they didn’t see the cliff until it was too late.

    It’s awesome that you’re optimistic. You have a new life inside of you – better to be optimistic than to be pessimistic.

    But as I read this, I just wonder – are you watching out for the cliffs, too? Or are you just so focused on the sun that you’re going to be surprised? Just be pragmatic. This is not a time for blissful ignorance – the harsh reality needs to be dealt with to ensure that everyone has as much happiness as possible.

    And in the end, the people who have the respect for you to tell you that they disagree with you love you more than I think you realize.

  2. Katherine says:

    When I read Britt’s post last night I was hurt myself. I couldn’t imagine if I were in your situation and having to read something so negative about myself/my child. No, I don’t know the whole story, but I feel as though you need a little more support than is being offered. I don’t think the way to love your brother (when he needs it the most) is to throw a negative cloud over his girlfriend and child. That’s just now how I roll.

    You will make it through this. After the storm is over things will be different. Life will continue, regardless of who is on your team. Remember that. This is just a period in your life, this is NOT your life.

    While it isn’t the perfect time to have a child, it is already done. What is there to do now but the best you can? What can you do but love it and make sure it has the life you want for it (him/her.. sorry).

    I just happened to stumble upon your blog a couple of days ago, and also the blog of Britt and her mother. My opinion probably doesn’t count, but I like to give it anyway. After reading that blog post I literally hurt inside for you.

  3. Katie says:

    This post gave me a sense of peace, and I’m sure it did to you, too. From that excerpt, I can see how that book would be life-changing. I am going to have to look into it, for sure. I love you and I know you (and Jay) will make it through all this.

  4. jinxie says:

    Why did you delete that earlier comment??
    Afraid that more people will come to know of the truth??

  5. Heather says:

    I believe all children are a gift from God…..however, that being said……we are punishable by the sins we commit in life….I have never known a stronger woman that Melissa…and Brit ranks right on up there with her…….it is unfair to judge them for not wanting their granddaughter/niece to have to deal with anything they grew up with……you have no idea

  6. Finn says:

    Any apprehension Britt or her mom feel about this pregnancy has nothing to do with you. Or the child either. It’s about the circumstances, the situation. They are still in shock. They are scared: for you, for Jay and for that baby.

    They feel what they feel. It doesn’t mean it’s a judgment. It is what it is. Things will change as time wears on and the sky begins to clear.

    Don’t shut them out. They want to be your family, not matter what.

  7. Sarah says:

    I don’t know the entire circumstance of Jay, his family, or your family. I can’t comment on that, nor do I want to. Even if I DID know, i don’t think it is my place–or anyone’s place–to pass judgment on a situation that is entirely your own. This is your body and your baby and your life. And you are the one to decide how you will approach it. Family means the world to us, however…as close as we are to family, their decisions and opinions are not always the same as our own. That said–and the only reason I wrote any of the above was due to the previous comments–congratulations!

    I got pregnant by accident, Bre. 8 years ago I found out I was pregnant and let me tell you, I was not ready, nor was I sure where my life would go, whether I would have the baby or not. I did not tell my family for months. I did not even tell my now-husband before I relayed the news to my roommate (one of my husband’s best friends). But when I did tell him, his reaction changed the way I thought about the news and a whole new world was born for us–long before the baby came into the world. I believe it is always possible to build optimism from challenge, from surprise, from unplanned events. I feel peace and calm for you, because that is what you express here and it is all I know to be true.

    While I am just one in a blogging world I am here for whatever parenting and pregnancy questions you might possibly have. I have always adored that you have read our blog even though you don’t yet have children of your own. That says something. You have insight. You have resolve and fortitude and should be confident in the peace you carry with you right now.


  8. BP says:

    I think you had every right to be offended by Britt’s post. I found it to be incredibly hateful. Sure she’s upset. Okay, fine. And her blog is her place talk about herself. Fine. Did it not enter her pea-brain that what she was saying might be horribly offensive to you and maybe she should just keep her typing to herself before letting is loose so you could see it and remember it forever?

    All of this talk of Jay “coming clean”…I say that is a bunch of bullshit. If someone is carrying your grandchild or niece or however that little baby is related to you – I do not believe for one minute that you truly feel the child will have a better life because his/her parents have been punished for their wrongdoings. Worst case scenario – the baby is born and you aren’t in the position to care for him or her – no matter what you have done in the past – how is that beneficial to the baby? It seems to me that Jay’s family is upset that he got caught and wants everyone to go down with him.

    The people that are coming over her to give you grief or chastise you for deleting comments need to get a life. Go back over to Britt’s or Adam’s or Britt’s mother’s blogs and continue with the ass kissing that you all do so well.

    Bre, do yourself a favor and stay away from toxic people in your life. Even if they are related to the love of your life.

    Good luck to you.

  9. Stewy says:

    Ok sooo I totally agee with BP. I think Jay is a COWARD for dragging you into his mess.His family looks like a bunch of trouble makin’ finger pointers. I have read all the blogs and frankly it makes me ILL! Morons! It isn’t like you are a danger to society regardless. If I were you …and your ass is lookin at doing time… I would SOOOOOoooo make sure that baby gets with some distant family member in timbuk 2 soo they never see it again.

    good luck Bre!

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