Just the “girlfriend”

I’m feeling desolate, broken off.  I feel like I’m standing in the middle of a bumpy street, staring at a sign that says “Road Closed”.  Let me cut the cryptic bullshit.  I feel upset.  I feel hurt.  I’m just his girlfriend, not even his wife, yes, but I know I mean more to him than the term “girlfriend” entails. 

I keep telling myself “I get it.  I’m not his family, his flesh and blood.”  But it still hurts.  It hurts because I cannot even count the number of times I have heard Jay’s voice tell me “You’re all I care about when this is over, I don’t want to lose you.”  Which usually makes tears spring to my eyes.  “I’m not leaving you, I promise.  I promise, I promise, I promise….”  I need him to believe those words.  Because I know they mean the world to him.  And I mean what I say.  I’m not leaving.

People are so gracious and supportive and kind, offering prayers “…for Jay and his family.”  But I don’t fall into that sentence, not without assumption.  It hurts me, yes.  Is it selfish to be rambling about this minor detail?  Probably.  But blogging is my therapy.

I’m tired of thinking about the what-if’s and the how’s and why’s of the penal system.  I’m tired of worrying about what other people think of me, whether they view me in the light of “just his girlfriend” or “love of his life”.  All I care about is what is between Jay and I.  I know how much Jay loves me and he knows how much I love him.  Sounds like basic math, right?  Factor in members of a family with many emotions and I start feeling like I’m insignificant.  Just the girlfriend. 

Jay’s brother is probably the biggest cheerleader our relationship has right now.  Jay and he could be twins, I swear.  Their mannerisms are so much alike, it’s uncanny.  Oh, yeah, my point…  Jay’s brother has faith that I’ll remain good on my word.  And he even offers supportive sentiment such as, “He’s crazy about you; I know you guys will get through this.”

I have learned so much from this already.  And it is only Day 6.  I am learning that judgments don’t propel anyone forward.  Love is love, no matter the title.  Strength comes over time, and you might just surprise yourself at how strong you are.  Nobody is perfect.  Good people make bad choices. 

I guess I do not care what opposition I may face, my loyalty lies with Jay.  Our love is between only us, nobody else.

Whatever you do, you need courage. Whatever course you decide upon, there is always someone to tell you that you are wrong. There are always difficulties arising that tempt you to believe your critics are right.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

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7 thoughts on “Just the “girlfriend”

  1. Debmactx says:

    Don’t really know your situation here. My thoughts and prayers are with you. I pray that God gives you the peace and strength you will need to see this all thru. But I have a question, How did you not know? I am just curious as to that, in retrospect do you see where you should have known? Or is this just BAM out of left field?

  2. Kaycee says:

    I just started reading your blog (and Jay’s Mom and sister’s blog) today, I was linked over from another blog on my reader.

    I just wanted to say that (to quote you) I fully and COMPLETELY agree with “Love is love, no matter the title.” Obviously the two of you have something important and special between you. Doesn’t matter what that is labeled as. I can’t imagine facing what you are facing. Going through something like this with the love of my life, I don’t know what I would do. I don’t know a lot of the backstory to this (why, how, etc) but I don’t think it applies to your love. His parents and siblings have shown through their blogs that they love him unconditionally, and obviously you do too. Unconditional love is such a gift to someone else. Maybe for now try to think of the “for Jay and his family” phrase as including you – I think it does. It sounds like you are part of his family to me.

    • Bre says:

      Thank you so much. This helps a lot. I know it’s a selfish motive to feel this way but I do. I’m letting go of selfish antics, as I realize they do not help Jay…
      Thank you. Again.

  3. Faiqa says:

    Oh, honey, I meant you if I said “family.” You have definitely been in my thoughts throughout all this. I don’t think it’s selfish of you, at all, to feel left out and I’m sorry. If it helps, I was just running through your status updates to see how you were doing. Lots of love to you. I’m hoping very much that everything works out for you.

  4. Selma says:

    I’ve been praying for you all along, hon. You are a crucial part of this for Jay. Of course he can keep looking ahead to the future when he can see his Mum and his sister and brother and the rest of his family again; they will keep him going when the days are dark, but you, you are his love. Your role is undeniable. Look after yourself XX

  5. Katie says:

    I already e-mailed you about this, but you know I thought of you right away. I too am “just a girlfriend” and I know that if anything happened, I would feel the exact same way as you. I know things will be hard, but you know I’m here for you, and I’m cheering for the two of you. I knew, and adored, both fo you seperately before I knew you two together, which gives me faith that the two of you will last. Both of you are loving, wonderful, people, and I have always viewed you as a strong, loyal woman, who I know won’t give up. Still praying for you, Jay, and the two of you together. And you provide for him a love that no one else can give, which means you are unbelievably important. : ) I love you!

  6. Katherine says:

    I just happened upon your blog after finding Miss Britt’s, and I have to say that I am very sorry for the situation that you are in. I, myself, was in a very similar one at your age, and it is very hard.

    Take this one day at a time. Upon reading some of your past entries I realize you are a very smart and strong young woman. I hope you use that to your advantage during this time.

    I wish nothing but the best for you, and for Jay.

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