I’m feeling desolate, broken off. I feel like I’m standing in the middle of a bumpy street, staring at a sign that says “Road Closed”. Let me cut the cryptic bullshit. I feel upset. I feel hurt. I’m just his girlfriend, not even his wife, yes, but I know I mean more to him than the term “girlfriend” entails.
I keep telling myself “I get it. I’m not his family, his flesh and blood.” But it still hurts. It hurts because I cannot even count the number of times I have heard Jay’s voice tell me “You’re all I care about when this is over, I don’t want to lose you.” Which usually makes tears spring to my eyes. “I’m not leaving you, I promise. I promise, I promise, I promise….” I need him to believe those words. Because I know they mean the world to him. And I mean what I say. I’m not leaving.
People are so gracious and supportive and kind, offering prayers “…for Jay and his family.” But I don’t fall into that sentence, not without assumption. It hurts me, yes. Is it selfish to be rambling about this minor detail? Probably. But blogging is my therapy.
I’m tired of thinking about the what-if’s and the how’s and why’s of the penal system. I’m tired of worrying about what other people think of me, whether they view me in the light of “just his girlfriend” or “love of his life”. All I care about is what is between Jay and I. I know how much Jay loves me and he knows how much I love him. Sounds like basic math, right? Factor in members of a family with many emotions and I start feeling like I’m insignificant. Just the girlfriend.
Jay’s brother is probably the biggest cheerleader our relationship has right now. Jay and he could be twins, I swear. Their mannerisms are so much alike, it’s uncanny. Oh, yeah, my point… Jay’s brother has faith that I’ll remain good on my word. And he even offers supportive sentiment such as, “He’s crazy about you; I know you guys will get through this.”
I have learned so much from this already. And it is only Day 6. I am learning that judgments don’t propel anyone forward. Love is love, no matter the title. Strength comes over time, and you might just surprise yourself at how strong you are. Nobody is perfect. Good people make bad choices.
I guess I do not care what opposition I may face, my loyalty lies with Jay. Our love is between only us, nobody else.
“Whatever you do, you need courage. Whatever course you decide upon, there is always someone to tell you that you are wrong. There are always difficulties arising that tempt you to believe your critics are right.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson