You probably know about my situation. Well, not my situation, per se, but the situation the love of my life is in. He is the keeper of my heart, so I guess it is my situation, too. As I mentioned in my previous post, I cannot say much regarding this.
I use this blog as a place to vomit my feelings, fears, hopes, questions. I am here now because it is like my diary. An open diary, yes, but still a place where I can have something akin to a cathartic experience. I guess the only thing that makes blogging different (for me) from catharsis is that I don’t feel spiritually renenwed after I write about this tough stuff. I don’t feel better, just less anxious.
The Wizard of Oz is playing through my head. I don’t know if it’s because Jay and I watched it together so many times or if it’s just meaningless. But the characters stick in my mental picture, each of them symbolizing a piece of strength that I’m trying to summon.
First and foremost, I feel like I woke up in Oz on Friday morning. That was when I first learned the news of what Jay is up against from the detective. The wind was knocked out of me and I was in disarray. (I still am.) When I opened the door to my home, I was awestricken. I knew from that moment on that nothing would ever be the same and also that I cannot comfortably be there without him there. Much unlike Dorothy, my life has not repaired itself in the two to three hours of the movie’s length. It won’t be that easy, because Oz is not real and this is the most real situation I’ve ever had to face in my life. Not to mention Jay.
Like Dorothy, I have always been a dreamer. I dream of a better life. Even now, I still daydream about the years after this mess is over. And I know that that could be many years. But I refuse to stop dreaming because that is what propels me forward, most of the time.
Sometimes I sit in external silence. My mind is always reeling with thoughts, fears, hopes. My mind is never silent. Jay is always there. Sometimes I can see him happy and joking, or calm and kissing me; sometimes I see him alone in the cell, orange jumpsuit. I guess I don’t really care in what form Jay comes to my mind, just as long as he’s there.
I think about the Scarecrow. “If I only had a brain.” I relate this character to the “shoulda coulda woulda” sequence that is probably rolling through everyone’s mind. Shoulda done this, shouldn’ta done that. But you know what? It’s been done. And the only thing to do is continue on this “Yellow Brick Road”. I think, for my own intents and purposes, I am going to rename it the “Black Suck Road”. Because I can.
Then the Tin Man. I feel serenity when I think of the Tin Man because I believe that I have a big heart. My heart is reminding me constantly that I love Jay and through love all things are possible, right? RIGHT?!? I know that my heart is hurting and in those moments of despair I feel like it’s not even there, but I know it’s true. That’s one less thing I have to ask the Wizard for.
Oh, and the Lion. He’s the character I identify most with, I think. Because the thing I need the most right now is courage. Courage to face the opposition of standing beside the love of my life. Courage to feel his absence but not to be lost in it. Courage to keep hoping for a miracle. Courage to be good on my word to Jay, words that I speak with ferocity: “I am NOT LEAVING YOU.” End of story. That’s the only way I see it.
The Wicked Witches and Flying Monkeys are going to try to punish him, for that is their job. But I’m praying that the Witches and Monkeys will unveil their eyes and see before them a good, kindhearted, gentle person who knows he has wronged people but also knows he can be better. If they will just do that. For Jay.
That’s where I need the courage. The courage to believe that people are good, and that good people can identify other good people. Where the Hell is Glinda when you need her? I could sure as fuck use that cute little wand adorned with a shiny star…
All in all, there is no place like home. For me, I’m not quite sure where home is right now. I guess I don’t feel like anywhere is home without Jay. But I need the courage to put the melancholy feelings aside and lift my chin. I need to start working on taking care of myself so I can get through this long road of anticipated 20 minute visits and letters to an inmate.
My M.O. right now is to prepare for his return, no matter how long until that happens. I will work and sleep and eat and write and visit, all for the end of the road. When I can hug and kiss him and sleep next to him. I am willing to fight my way out of Oz for Jay. Yesterday, today, tomorrow.
So, it seems we’re off to see The Wizard, or the Judge. Is The Wizard going to feel generous? I don’t know. We have to wait and see. But I’ll be replaying the Wizard of Oz in my head over and over until I know anything for sure. I’ll latch on to the idea that courage is attainable. I’ll latch on to the knowledge that I do have a heart, filled with love. And onward I go, down the Black Road of Suck.
If you see Glinda, could you direct her to me, please?