I Love

I spent a large portion of 2009 pointing out the things I don’t really like.  I feel like purging all of the negative energy that is built inside of me — tangible or ischemic.  In these first days of the new decade I want to put into place a few ideas that will be utilized for positive momentum.  I want to be a better me.  I want to be more “in the minute” and delight in everyday beauty. 

With that, I bring you a bulleted list.  None of the items is too big or too small for mention.

I love…

  • waking up next to Jay, and sometimes waking before him and watching him sleep.  In those quiet moments I find myself thanking God that I am exactly where I need to be.
  • the smell of a freshly mowed lawn, and my perfume wafting in a spring breeze (and then after I’ve been outside for a while and can smell a variation of my perfume, this time with a hint of warmed-by-the-sun-smell-a-la-moi).
  • the smell of a saddle.  And fly spray (for horses).
  • a brand new notebook.  And Sharpie pens!
  • my brother and sister… To the moon.  I only hope they love me with the same energy, and I hope that they actually like me, not just “love” me.
  • the memory of when my parents were functional parents: Mom cooking supper while Dad played Chinese Checkers with Chelsea and I.  I’m only sorry Cody missed out on this chapter of childhood.
  • to tell the story of how Chelsea and I put furniture polish on Cody’s feet and bottom and pushed him around on the hardwood floors of our childhood home.  We even made a “pillow helmet”, secured with an orange shoestring, for safety.
  • to drive.  I drove approximately 55% of the trip to Florida, including in-state driving.  I love being on a new road, sun beating down. 
  • car rides with Jay.  I look forward to travel being a main hobby later on in our lives.
  • trees.  I think they’re so expressive, and beautiful.
  • brand new socks. 
  • being a nurse.  I know it was meant to be.
  • to be surprised.  And pampered.  I think in a past life/different realm I was royalty.  I guess I say that because I struggle with admitting that maybe I deserve those things.  I usually put myself last. 
  • to read.  I’m completely in awe of this Twitter-Facebook-blog-internet-on-your-BlackBerry-generation I belong to!  I love that we are all real people who just want to connect, to share the array of moments in our everyday lives.
  • my story thus far; my life.  I look forward to good things in the new decade.  It will be most interesting to compare now and then!
  • that no two days are exactly the same.  No matter how bad a given day was, I can always strive for progress the next day.

 I have also decided to stop being a pessimist and begin taking the optimist train.  This parallels nicely with the aforementioned   I am cleaning my closets, ridding myself of clutter (emotional and otherwise).  I am not a victim.  I have a good life.  I need to appreciate it more before Karma herself decides to one-up me and prove to me that I have a lot going for me… Like, as in, with a debilitating lesson that may involve an injury.

I have always been hard on myself.  That being said, I think I spend a lot of time thinking about ways I could’ve done things better.  It is beginning to occur to me that in those times, maybe, just maybe all that was needed was my presence.  My undivided attention to the company and fellowship of my family.  I am making a personal committment to be more relaxed, and fully enjoy the moments.

I am taking this self-betterment/self-awareness thing quite seriously.  I want to be the best me I can before I have children (and while I raise them).  I want my kids to know that they are worth having a momma who is good for them, who never wants them to hurt in any way.  I want them to know that I prepared myself to be their mom, because, in a way, I loved them before they are even born. 

Can I just say that this being a woman thing?  Is amazing and daunting all at the same time.  I am filled with the nurturing and compassionate feelings of a maternal creature while all in the same, I am the chick who is only in her early 20’s and loves her freedom, her life sans kids and the opportunity for sleeping in and taking naps that all of this creates.  If that isn’t confusing…!

Today I am 22.  In 22 days I will be 23.  On 01/24/2011 I will be 24.  I am excited to see where I will be, how I will feel on my golden birthday!  I raise my glass of ice water to all of you and offer a belated “Happy New Year!”

Because drinking ice water makes you a better person, too.

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5 thoughts on “I Love

  1. Candi says:

    You sure have had alot of life lessons this year. I just wanted to let you know that I thought you handled all of them with dignity and grace. You are a shining example of how we should react when life decides to take a big dump on you. From the moment that I met you, I immediately liked you. This is almost unheard of in my world. I don’t like people very munch excluding my sweet little old ladies and men. I have been through very similar family situations, those that get so crazy that you feel the life being sucked right out of you. I had to move far away to stop vicious circle and start feeling positive again. It has made a difference…..but I guess it will be an ongoing effort until it doesn’t feel like an effort anymore. We should go out to dinner one night with our significant others. In closing, know that you do deserve good things in life!!!!!!!!

  2. Nancy says:

    In this article ‘ischemic’ is not being used in the correct context.

  3. Selma says:

    Impressive post. You are very mature and wise. I love the furniture polish on the feet story. Those are the types of stories that stay with us for always. I also love trees and brand new socks. I have a feeling you are going to have a great 2010!

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