A Hurting Heart

I feel like the last few days of 2009 have served as some sort of limbo for me.  I’m not quite thrilled with everything that has happened this year but I do take comfort in knowing that I’ve learned a ton from the events that have taken place.

I’ve reached a point in time where I’m no longer able to help my sister.  In only one short month, I’ve realized that I am not ready financially nor emotionally to invest so much of myself into another person, especially a person who is so close to me.  Knowing how emotionally sensitive our relationship can be, it has been difficult for me to be myself.  Knowing that I’m a pretty cut-and-dried person at times and maybe come off a little too brash, I’ve found myself censoring my thoughts and comments… and that in and of itself makes me wonder what kind of a person I really am?

Jay and I have grown quite used to each other.  We are a quirky pair, with a weird little rhythm together.  Our little two-bedroom apartment suits us quite well and while I didn’t think that adding a third person to our equation was a fantastic idea, I didn’t think I’d miss our privacy that much.  But I do. 

Am I a selfish bitch for feeling this way?  I teeter back and forth on my own answer.

I feel like I have failed my sister in some way; I feel like I built up her hope in my own dreams for her and now I’m realizing that all of this just isn’t conducive for comfortable living.  I feel like I’ve let her down by telling her that I’m no longer willing/able to try to make this work anymore.

I feel like I am slowly being suffocated.  I do take into consideration that it’s winter and we’re all in this little apartment together BUT.  I’m calling a spade a spade.  Knowing how selfish this sounds, I’m still gonna say it.  I miss my routine, my apartment, my life.  There.  Now, why isn’t that weight lifted off of my shoulders??

I wish it were less complicated.  Alas, life is complicated.

I love my sister, I really do.  I still have big goals for her.  I still want her to dream big and work hard and go for it; just put the pieces of life into place. 

I hope that just by living my life in this little corner of the world I may have made some impression on her. 

I know that I’m no saint.  My life is not glamourous. 

I’m just a girl, trying to please every single person that I’m emotionally invested in.

I’m just a girl, who is realizing that trying to please everyone but myself is leaving me with a hurting heart.

Starting now, I will take more time to fully evaluate big decisions.  I will make an honest effort to act more rationally, to think of all parties involved and be most sensitive to Jay. 

That’s another thing… My beloved Jay deserves the best of me.  He is the one who has seen me through thick and thin and is always the one I wake up to.  He and I have made an unspoken pact with each other– we have each other’s backs.  And for that, he deserves me to be happy, for when I am not happy he gets the ugly side.  Poor guy.  But he’s still here, loving me and supporting me all the same.

A thousand pardons for the rambling quality of this post…  I thank you for “listening”.

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4 thoughts on “A Hurting Heart

  1. Chibi Jeebs says:

    First off, don’t apologize for being rambly: you needed to “talk” it out, and that’s perfectly okay.

    Near the beginning of your post, you ask what kind of a person it makes you when you censor yourself. It doesn’t make you a BAD person – it makes you a compassionate, empathetic person who worries about her loved ones (almost?) more than herself. I don’t think you’re being selfish, but that could just be me projecting because I know I’d want my privacy – our LIFE – with Chebbar to remain the same. At the same time, I can only imagine how hard it must be to reconcile wanting the best for your “blood” family with wanting the best for your “chosen” family.

    From the outside, it sounds like you’re doing the best you can in a difficult situation. You’re not going to be any good to your sister, to Jay, or to yourself if you’re not honouring YOU. I’m sorry you’re facing such tough decisions, love. *big, fat, squishy hugs*

  2. snackiepoo says:

    It seems like you are doing the best that you can to make sure that life is fair and good for everyone. Sometimes the best thing you can do for another person is sort of shoo them out of the nest and let them learn to fly alone. If your sister being there is truly that bad and is going to mess up other stuff, then yeah…you do what you need to do, sweetie.

  3. Chelsea says:

    Bre, so hard for me to leave, you know I love you dearly. I want to Thank You for ALL that you have done to help me. I understand how hard this all is for you, it’s hard for myself as you know… (my blog is posted, so you can comment, and I’ll get it asap!). 🙂
    I’ll always be your sister, for EVER. I understand your decisions, and what we must do. I’ll be back, don’t worry about that. We will still talk like I live here. You can call me ANY time. I love you.
    You have showed me a lot in ONE month… I’m excited to see how far we can go in a fresh year. I love you, keep your head up and we can go forward Together now.
    Love Always, Your Little Sister.

  4. Selma says:

    Sounds like your sister has gained a lot from the experience. I am really glad. What you’ve done is given her a bit of clarity and that is an invaluable gift. Wishing you a wonderful 2010!

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