Merry Christmas everyone! It’s nearing early evening on this Christmas Day, 2009. Here I sit, laptop open, reflecting on the entire Holiday Season this year. It’s been a rather humbling one but in my meditative mood I’ve realized that this Christmas was exactly what I needed.
You see, I went about this year thinking I was God’s gift to the people in my life. I’ve realized of late that I’m getting quite bitchy and prudish. I built every event up in my mind, during my constant daydreams before I actually moved to Iowa City and joined my true love in the same zip code again. Those many many nights alone in my cold, one-room loft apartment on Main Street in Cedar Falls gave way to me lying in bed, missing Jay and just daydreaming about how fantastic 2009 was going to be.
I now realize that those moments were really a false promise I made to myself in a moment of hurt. I was being aloof and idealistic when I should have been practicing being a pragmatist. (Don’t get me wrong: I am completely satisfied with my life– as is. Remember when I said that this Christmas was just what I needed? Yeah, I’m getting there…)
I’ve spent a majority of 2009 learning to “live presently”, as instructed by my best friend, Austin. I thought I was getting a pretty good hang of it when all of the sudden the leaves began to change and Daylight Savings Time came and went and with the changing of the seasons, so did my mood.
I’ll tell it to you straight: I have depression. And when I don’t get my sunlight, watch out. But you know what? I’m tired of using that as a crutch. Chemical imbalances aside, having this funky-daylight-withdrawal-syndrome does not allow me nor should it encourage me to be a pessimist.
I’ve noticed myself being extra snooty and rationalizing it my head because “I work really hard” or “I’m just seasonal… _____ will know not to take me seriously”. WOW. Not a healthy thought process. And this Christmas showed me that I am not the only person in the equation that equals “life” and that the things I say have a direct effect on how people react and therefore the tone of the conversation.
I didn’t get to see my little brother today. It breaks my heart but it was simply the way the cookie crumbled. A lot of circumstances leading up to Christmas kind of made it shifty as far as planning goes. My grandpa underwent hip surgery no less than two weeks ago and also Mother Nature has been pissed at the Midwest, showering various parts with freezing rain and others with a hellacious blizzard.
Back to the daydreaming– I pictured Christmas 2009 as the big hurrah, the final great holiday in a series of great holidays in 2009. But you know what? It wasn’t picturesque, as I had so desperately imagined. I didn’t see anyone from my natural family besides my sister. I was feeling sorry for myself when I realized that Hello narcissist, none of your family was able to get together, either. Your little brother didn’t get to see his sisters and your mom and dad missed out on their daughters’ presence.
We had to leave early to make it home before the storm hit. The storm that meteorologists have been forecasting to dump over a foot of snow on us, the same storm that failed to do anything remotely close thus far. But for about an hour, I was nervous to be on the road. We passed approximately three cars in the ditch and we even skidded across the lane on a little patch of ice. That being said, I’m glad we left when we did.
The important thing is that we made it home, safely. We are together, if not all of us. We are calm and relaxed, enjoying the moment. We are winding down from the hustle-and-bustle and preparing ourselves for the long months of January and February.
This Christmas has been wonderful, regardless. We spent the night last night at Jay’s mom’s house and delighted in the fellowship of “family”. We were like a bag of human trail mix, under the roof in Grundy Center but it was delightful. My sister was well received into my boyfriend’s extended family and that means the world to me. It solidifies that Jay is my soulmate. How else would a girl get so lucky as to have her own family be accepted by the warm and loving arms of her boyfriend’s? Yes, fate is always at play…
I am reflecting on myself and the emotional progress I would like to make in 2010. I want to be more realistic and with that realism I want myself to relax and not sweat the small stuff so often. I want to be real and live in the moment, every moment in Two-Thousand-Ten. I want to be the gregarious me I was before the snow fell.
We are reflecting on ourselves and being optimistic. Yes, optimistic.