Thirty Two Rollercoasters

Today is Sunday.  Thank God.  I probably couldn’t tolerate another. single. day.of this past wretched week.  I feel like I have been on 32 rollercoasters with only an hour of sleep in between rides.  My melancholy moon still hangs in the hollow sky but thank God it’s Sunday.  Because on this very Sunday I have heaved a sigh of relief.  I feel optimistic for the first time in days.  And it got pretty dark last week.

I woke up Wednesday morning, fired up the good ole Dell, intending to do a Wordless Wednesday post.  But I never got around to it.  My Aunt Shelly called me and asked if I could take my sister.  My sister is a young lady with a TON of adult responsibility thrust at her, albeit 75% of this is due to her own carelessness.  (Read: she is a young mother.) 

My sister has had very adult struggles that I haven’t even had; she’s also a recovering addict.  While I don’t excuse her poor choices, I feel that our hometown (Marshalltown, Iowa) is largely at fault for her drug abuse.  Marshalltown is like a big, dangerous, Black Hole to me.  Racism,  drugs, immigrants, crime.  These are prominent words I’d use to describe that shit hole. 

Well, my sister decided to move back to that wasteland in the early summer.  I vividly remember looking at Jay and saying “Well, she’s moving back to Marshalltown… We’ll see how long this lasts.”  I am not surprised that she began to fall into old habits.  I mean, it’s pretty illogical to believe she would entirely succeed in that town. 

SO, of course I would go get my sister.  At this point I was thinking I wouldn’t be able to help my brother but in that very same conversation with my aunt, she expressed to me her willingness to help with Cody.  So, it just made sense that I’d bring my sister with me to Iowa City and help her start becoming a true, responsible adult. 

Wednesday was filled with driving, loading and unloading a truck, confronting my mother, my mother calling the police, my brother finally escaping with my aunt and Chelsea and I trying to settle in to new-roommate-hood. 

That’s right.  My mother got the police involved.  She spewed a vat full of boiling bullshit to me, my aunt, my sister and my brother that night.  Accusations and excuses.  Cold, dead words and eyes.  A threat to hit me.  I simply stared into her eyes, daring her.  Her anorexic and alcoholic body wouldn’t hold a candle to mine.  Not 5 years ago and not now.  There was a moment when I burst into tears… The police asked my brother to go back inside (alone) so they could speak with my mother and Cody simultaneously.  
“Please don’t make him stay, please don’t make him stay…”  Tears streamed my face and I choked on those repeated words.  It would be hell for him if he had to stay.  I know what slurs of insults my mother is capable of and I know how long it takes those wounds to heal.  In fact, I’m still working on healing my own.

Thursday was an entirely different story.  I woke many times during my slumber and the morning was rough on me.  I get a really upset stomach any time I’m nervous.  My gut was rolling.  I made it through the workday and finally got a moment to call my aunt.  I was nervous about how Cody was and was interested in an update.  I got her voicemail, so I left one.  A couple of hours later she returned my call.  But the tone she took with me and the bullshit she accused me of still makes my heart pound with anger and astonishment.  I knew then and there that my mother had pumped her full of lies and for the life of me I cannot figure out why the fuck my aunt, my nearest and dearest AUNT SHELLY would choose to believe such trash. 

It’s been three days and I still don’t have a rationale for her behavior.  Just some puzzle pieces strewn about on a card table.  It seems to me that my aunt is projecting her dissatisfaction with her relationship with my cousin onto me.  (I might also add that she has had three failed marriages, countless boyfriends who were complete losers, and never did she achieve her dream of going to art school.  It’s sad, yes, but none of that shit is my fault.)  Her words cut me like a knife and then she suffocated my feelings by not even allowing me to defend myself. 

“I can’t talk right now, I’m busy.” Click.  She fucking called me to hang up on me?  Grow. the. fuck. up.

The icing on the cake:  My aunt took my little brother right back to my mother.  Cody suffers.  Had I known that she was going to play a godforsaken mind game with him in the middle, I’d have taken him TO MY HOUSE in the fucking first place. 

So the texts and pleas for help continue.  I phoned my dad yesterday to kick his ass into action.  Who answered his cell phone?  My aunt.  That’s ok.  I was cordial.  She, however, was chipper.  Smooth as silk, as if nothing were wrong at all.  What a simmering crock of shit.  Her end salutation was “I love you, bye-bye.”  And I responded with a feined cheery “Bye!”  Two seconds later she called me from her phone– “You know what, how about you call me when you can tell me you love me.”

You know what?  How about you call me when you can say “I’m sorry” and apologize for verbally abusing me, treating me like a child, and hanging up on me. 
Newsflash: I’m an adult and I demand respect in order to give respect.  Savor on “them apples” for a couple of weeks.  My phone number will remain the same.

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13 thoughts on “Thirty Two Rollercoasters

  1. kayla loveland says:

    bre-
    you r so right… Marshalltown is nothing but shit upon more shit. Im having a bit of a battle now with mike, he would like to stay with his parents there for awhile when he comes home… I want nothing to do with it! ugh!
    i feel for you and what u r going through. Family is supposed to be the people who take care of you and build you up, unfortunatly it doesnt always work that way. This world is filled with parents who project their mistakes on their children and its a shame. Applaud yourself for being strong, for being able to rise above it and still come out with a heart!!! that is truly an accomplishment. I hope for your sake and your siblings that things get better, somehow someway.

    • Bre says:

      Thanks so much! It’s amazing how any of us come out of that town alive… I’m so glad I moved away, and I hope my sister can find her way here… I’ll keep you posted.
      Thanks for the support!

  2. Jazz says:

    Hi, I love you so much, and I am so proud of you….You will prevail! You deserve respect and you deserve to be able to live your life and express yourself in any manner you choose. I think it’s funny that she called you back from her phone, and said, call me when you can tell her you love her, you didn’t call her in the first place, you called your dad’s phone!!!

    I know what you are going through and like Grandma says, this too shall pass. As for my mother, she is going to miss out on my wedding, my future husband, and her grandchildren, her fault, and her loss.

    Don’t ever expect her to apologize, she is never wrong, and if by chance she does apologize, expect her to follow the apology with countless reasons why she really isn’t sorry and doesn’t really have to be in the first place.

    I love you…

  3. sterlingmf says:

    Ah I love you baby. All I can say is to Keep. breathing.

  4. Sarah says:

    Phew! You’ve had a hell of a week, haven’t you? And family? The toughest thing there is. Love Hate Love Hate all over the place.

    Take care of yourself. Do your best to take care of your siblings. I know it is a lot of responsibility. But you will all grow up and grow closer and be better for it.

    Love to you.

  5. Jen says:

    Stand strong. It sucks when you feel like you are the only one acting like an adult. I agree with Sarah, though. Take care of yourself, and do what you can to care for and support your siblings. And then, take care of yourself some more.

  6. Selma says:

    I’m sorry to hear you’re going through this right now. Family can be so difficult to deal with sometimes. It is important to look after ourselves in such situations. You should take comfort in the fact that you tried to do the right thing. Try to ignore the mind games.I hope you are OK.

  7. Darla says:

    Oh.my.word. I am so sorry!

    I had no idea Marshalltown was such a shit-ass place. Man.

    And? Nobody deserves to be treated the way you have – family or not.

  8. Bre says:

    Thanks everyone; I’m on my phone, no computer still… Will update soon.
    XO

  9. Hilly says:

    Sorry sweetie. Very very sorry.

    Can I just be the uber beeesh and ask who the hell calls someone specifically to hang up on them? Grrrrr.

  10. Her Little Sister says:

    Yes, we are strong. & Now as we both are mothers you can see the light from my eyes, yet not fully. NO ONE will EVER know the pain & hardships that we 3 children have come to know too well. No one is perfect. & No pity is needed. We’ve all crossed the line a time or 2. I love you sister.

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