A Follow-up to “Farewell”

It was brought to my attention that I held back on my post bidding Jazz farewell

I’ll tell you all how I really feel about her departure.  I’ll let my feelings flow onto the screen like bright red blood flows from a fresh cut on your leg after shaving. 

I’m sad.  I’m at a loss for words.  I cannot believe she’s actually doing it.  She’s really going.  To Oregon.  And then what? 

During her last marriage, I found myself wishing for her sake that she’d just get on with it already and leave the guy.  He was a jerk.  A smartass, arrogant bastard that expected to mold Jazz into a housewife and a mother to two children not her own.  What selfish motives.  What a horrible repayment– keeping her on a leash and telling her it was “a little weird for a woman of almost 30 to be hanging out with a 21 year old.”  Says who?  Especially when that woman of almost 30 and that 21 year old have known each other for all of the 21 year old’s life.  Is it so weird to bond with somebody so closely?  Is it so weird to love someone and want to spend time with them?  And since when did God die and crown you Ruler?  So sit the hell down, jerk, and let us girls have some fun! 

Of course, we had to sneak around behind his back because if he found out that we were going out for cocktails or going out dancing, he’d be pissed.  He wasn’t above showing his distaste for our carefree nights.  He even fed Jazz full of bullshit about how all of her friends were married and settled and that these women wouldn’t have time for her if he left her so she might as well sit at home and behave.  I cringed while typing that.  We all know how I hate bullshitBut it’s true.  This guy disguised himself as a down-home hardworking guy who could fit so nicely into our family that at first I didn’t see that he wasn’t a good person.  But my grandma did. 

Grandma has a really good sense of character.  And she’s met the new Cowboy; the prince who is stealing Jazz away from us all.  And Grandma approves.  So I take solace in that, I am relieved that at least Grandma believes this guy will be good to her and take care of her and love her.  I’m afraid that if she is faced with one more heartbreak, she won’t bounce back.  She won’t recover and continue to be the smart, sophisticated, eloquent, carefree woman that we all know and love.  I honestly believe that.

You see, she lost not only two marriages but one very special and important little girl:  Lauryn Grace.  Jasmine’s daughter.  Losing Lauryn was part of the downward spiral of her last marriage.  Jazz was devastated.  She had wanted so badly to have a daughter.  She had played Life by all of the rules– get an education, check; get a career, check; get married, check; have a family.  She wanted to move to the next step of her life, to check off “family”, to delight in the life she had worked so hard to obtain.  She was running her own business, had a husband and was raising his two sons.  But she wanted a daughter.  Her daughter. 

I remember finding out that Lauryn had birth defects.  I bawled.  I could not fathom how badly this was hurting Jazz.  I wanted so badly for her to be happy.  I felt she deserved to be happy.  It broke my heart when I learned that God took Lauryn from Jazz.  It broke my heart to hear her cry.  And it broke my heart when her own husband, the father of Lauryn, told Jazz it was “time to get over it”.  TIME TO GET OVER IT??  As Jazz says, “Who the fuck are you? The GRIEF POLICE?”  And I agree.  The time when a wife needs her husband’s support the most, I would venture to say, would be a time like that.  And I believe Jazz’s ex-husband tore a couple of bricks out of their marital wall the day he told her to move on.

So yes, I do have some reserve about Jazz leaving us and moving all the way across the US to live in Oregon with a cowboy who just swept her away.  I love her.  I want her to be happy.  But I also know that when we invest ourselves in something and it doesn’t work out, it’s a hard tumble from the top of that euphoric mountain.  I don’t want her to fall.  I want this man to live up to his word.  He’ll be the first man in her life to do it.  And it’s what she deserves. 

“I’ll grab the wheel and point it west, pack the good and leave the rest. I’ll drive until I find the missing piece.  You said I wouldn’t get too far on a tank of gas and an empty heart but I got everything I’ll ever need…”  Miranda Lambert sings it so well. “…Now I worry about life and if it’s ridin’ right on time, I guess if you don’t jump you’ll never know if you can fly…”

Jump Jazz.  Jump!  I hope with all of my heart you can fly.  I’ll miss you very, very much.  But I just want you to be happy and if your happiness lies in Oregon, on a ranch, with a handsome, chivalrous cowboy, then so be it!  I’ll be anxious to hear of all the new and wonderful things in your life. 

I know Lauryn wants you to be happy.  And so does the rest of your family.  Je t’aime!

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2 thoughts on “A Follow-up to “Farewell”

  1. sterlingmf says:

    Yay. So now I’m bawling. And don’t be so sure that Jazz can’t survive ANYTHING, and still, through the rubble, be Jazz.

  2. Colleen says:

    Indeed, through it all nothing can make Jazz not be Jazz. This made me cry, ok alot. I miss Jazz alot and wish that we had stayed sisters too. I wish I could have been there, that I had known. Here I am selfish with my little girl Alaynna Lauren (wierd huh) and now my new son and never knew what Jazz had gone through. I am very sad for you too baby doll (hey you were still very young when I was your aunt). Reading your blogs has made me miss you and your brother and sister and makes me wish we had tried harder to do something, wish there could have been something more we could have done. I never spent much time with you but that never made me love you less. I love you that much still, all of you. If you ever need anything ANYTHING related to life or your career let me know. I have nursing books and junk everywhere. My heart to you during this time and hope you get to see Jazz often and that you never drift apart.

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