The eyes are the windows to the soul… And the eyebrows are the curtains.

They say the eyes are the windows of the soul.  Though I don’t know who they are, I agree.  Have you ever seen a picture of yourself and catch a glimpse of your eyes?  Have you ever thought ‘Damn. I look unhappy.’? I have pictures like that from the fall of 2007.  I was going through a terrible breakup, another in the line of ex-boyfriends I had tried, in some way, to change because I saw their potential but I also knew they had to do better with themselves in order for us to work. Not in a bitchy way, just because I had a naiive perspective and thought I could make them want to be better. For themselves.  This breakup was especially hard because the guy had a 4 year degree in Philosophy. Philosophy. What the fuck? He was intelligent. But that right there should have said it all. I think it says “I got a bachelor’s degree because that’s what was expected of me but I got one in Philosophy because I’m still babied by my mother and I know she’ll take care of me no matter what.” Too harsh? Oh, well. I would work 40+ hours a week and he didn’t have a job. He thought an accomplishment was taking a shower and meeting with his probation officer. He acted as though being a self-named hippie would grant him dignity to be living in a trailer at his mom’s expense. Let’s just say that I am over him but still angry and confused by him. And then I scoff at myself because I’m thinking, “Really? Did I really let that guy treat me like shit? I opened the door and invited him in so he could take advantage of me?” For a long time I was really worried that I would keep dating guys and finding the duds. I was worried that my standards were too high, or that I was being unrealistic. I was afraid to be alone. And it showed. In my eyes. In my actions. Only looking at prior snapshots do I realize it now.

Don’t get me wrong: I didn’t swear off dating or become a hermit. But I reacted to break-ups angrily because I was afraid. I was afraid that I didn’t have a good judgment of character or that I wasn’t just getting the point that “Hey. I’m only good enough for these types of guys.” I was feeding myself emotional poison by even listening to this bullshit when all I really had to do was listen to what people who actually love me had to say. So I started listening. I mean, none of my own advice to myself seemed to work, right?

I have always felt like my life is a personal journey. Everyone has their own mantra, their own theme for their life, if you will. Mine has been growth. Even the name of this blog is “achievingmyself”. I believe that every step is a step in the direction of filling up this body with a person. (Is this clear as mud??) Nonetheless, I took that opportunity, that heartache that I was feeling and turned it into something that would propel me forward. I thought about the kind of person I want to be and starting moving forward.

“You’re smart.” “You’re so compassionate.” “You’re strong.” These are some of my favorite things people I love have told me. Of course, they love me so they’re going to say nice things but each of these statements mean so much when I hear it. Because, statistically, I have defied the odds.

I’m a child of divorce. I’m a child of alcoholic parents (and extended family). I’m a child of meth-addicted parents. I am a child of domestic violence. I was homeless for almost two years.* Statistically speaking, I should not have graduated high school. I should not have gone to college. And graduated. I should have at least one child.

But I refuse to listen to bullshit.  That is a standard I had set for myself even before I knew it. 

To be continued…

*These are all real events in my life. My parents have changed tremendously in the past 15 years and are not the horrible people portrayed by these statements.

4 thoughts on “The eyes are the windows to the soul… And the eyebrows are the curtains.

  1. Nanna says:

    Lol I love that you put in a disclaimer. Baby I am proud of you. And I love your eyes.

  2. Miss Britt says:

    Good for you, Girlie.

  3. Faiqa says:

    It’s amazing to me the number of people who will never get the simple truths you’ve discussed above or exhibit courage and dedication in order to achieve what you’ve accomplished. You are SO ahead of the curve… may you always stay that way!

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