I don’t feel like delving into details, because they are so erroneous and far-fetched that it’s asinine, but I feared I would lose Jude this week. It’s amazing how a person can make up a story and call an authoritative figure and launch an investigation. It’s sickening that lies can be told because feelings have been hurt. It’s downright scary to feel like you may be driving into your doom, envisioning being forced to hand your son over to a man in khaki chinos who works for the Department of Human Services.
I was terrified that this would be my reality on Wednesday. I was shaking and dizzy and crying like Jude had just died. I was so, so scared. And why? I’m a fine mother who provides for her son in the best ways she knows. I cherish my son. Why, then, would I be so scared if I have nothing to hide? Because the simple fact that someone can take Jude from me scares the shit out of me. Since I was pregnant I’ve had an odd (and maybe irrational) fear that someone would try to take my son from me. Fear can overpower any rationale. Fear can stop time in its tracks.
But I’m not afraid anymore. The entire time I was driving and crying I was also praying. I was talking to Jesus, trying to make some sense of this mess. I am not allowed to know who my accuser is, but I’m pretty good at puzzles and have settled the equation. The individual I suspect is not a member of my family (nor Jude’s). This person is just a sick, mentally ill individual who is lashing out and using Jude as a way to get even. Like I said, it’s sick. It’s wrong. It’s horrible. But it’s all false.
Why am I airing my dirty laundry, you may be wondering? Well, firstly, I’m a blatantly honest person. Secondly, it’s because I’m learning lessons in this shitstorm.
It’s come into sharp focus how very important it is to surround Jude with people who love him. Of course, this has always been my goal but I’ll admit, I’m kind of selfish about who I’ll let take him for a visit or when I allow this to happen. He’s my son, after all. But I’m not feeling that way much lately. I’m feeling like Jude is all of ours, he “belongs” to everyone who loves and adores him. On Wednesday every single person I looked to for soothing words and emotional support was able to give that to me. Every person I heard made sure I knew I’m a good mom. Every person I dialed loves Jude to the moon. And that’s when it clicked.
Jude is the linchpin in a lot of my relationships. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it now: Jude saved me. He saves me every day. He teaches me to appreciate the beauty in life. He teaches me to be calm in a scary situation. He teaches me to embrace giggling, just to hear laughter. He teaches me that no matter what is thrown our way, we will always have each other. He is my world. He makes the sun to rise in the morning and hangs the moon in the sky at night. He can quell any ache with a “kiss, all better”. He is my heart, walking outside of my body.
I’m so thankful to Jesus that Jude has so many people in his life. Jude’s grandparents all love him, and the bond my dad shares with my son is truly beautiful. Jude’s aunts and uncles think he’s the best. My friends love him like he is theirs. Kane is filling a void that Jay and I knew would exist but never knew how it would play out. Jesus knew what he was doing when he put each and every one of these people in Jude’s life.